Lotus666
06-08-09, 09:53 PM
Another Rockjock review from 2002...
For all you Star Trek geeks, this movie has to start out as a disappointment. This is the end of the Star Trek string of movies, at least starring the TNG cast. Apparently when the main actor, one Patrick Stewart, demands a huge salary and his own production company, it hits the studio pretty hard. I saw Stewart complaining that the dune buggy he got to ride around in wasn't given to him at the end of the movie. Hey Pat, you can afford a friggin' fleet of them now. They're toting Brent Spiner around in that thing now thanks to you.
So the crew are busy celebrating the wedding of Deanna Troi and Will Riker. Picard describes Will as "his right arm" and Deanna as "his conscience." You'll find Picard musing on people this way because he essentially sees everyone around him as extensions of himself. No friendships for the captain. Oh no! Then Data stands up and starts singing. It's a nightmare you don't want to relive.
They pick up a positronic pattern in the Kolaran system. Picard wanted to test out Starfleet's latest creation--a dune buggy. No kidding. They find all the components of the robot, and it turns out to be a Data-like robot. No, it isn't Lore. I had that in mind for a while, but it's some dork named "Before." An alien race chases after them in their own dune buggies, but the three escape. The whole scene was filmed in this grainy manner that made it look like Traffic.
There is a plot, meanwhile, within the Romulan Empire to overthrow the old government and place Shinzon in. Where the hell did this guy come from? Why would the Romulans put someone in who's not only human, but was raised on the slave world of Remus? It would be like us electing a chimpanzee president. Oh ha ha smartass, it has not happened already. The Remans are these vampiry-looking freaks who are allergic to light. This is so you can't see how bad the make-up application is on these actors.
Shinzon has been experimenting with a new radiation that's supposed to kill people with great ease. His whole ship is just a big furnace for the stuff, and he plans to knock out the Federation with it. His ship can also fire when cloaked, has a ton of weapons on it, and has a spoiler the size of the Gateway Arch. Before is a spy for Shinzon, and accesses the locations of Starfleet's ships, all set to wipe them out. This is an ingenious plot to make sure the Borg comes in and conquers the galaxy.
By the way, remember Janeway? They made her an admiral. The bitch got lost on her first mission nearly across the galaxy, and they promote her over Picard. You can't help but feel a bit stupid.
Shinzon turns out to be a clone of Picard, created by the Romulans to try to infiltrate Starfleet by pretending he's Picard. Um, ever hear of several strategic strikes? I thought that was the point of the cloaking device! Eventually Shinzon and Picard are sent head to head, and Picard rams the Enterprise into Shinzon's ship. This is the damed ballsiest thing I've ever seen Picard do, but sadly the crew survives. He only prepares to blow up the ship after Shinzon pulls away to a safe distance. Then we find the auto-destruct is inoperable. Wow, great ship there, bro.
Shinzon is about to send his radiation at the Enterprise, but Picard manages to transport over to kill a bunch of Remans and Shinzon. Data can't transport over to help, but blows himself into space, get to Shinzon's ship, transport Picard back, and blow up Shinzon's ship, sacrificing himself in the process. Fortunately for Picard, he can start over with Before. Nice going. We haven't learned much about disposable people in the future.
This movie makes us question our own identities. Given a different set of circumstances in our lives, can we be raised to want to try to kill all life on Earth rather than be the captain of the fleet's flag ship? It also makes us wonder if our greatest struggles exist within ourselves to try to see beyond what we are and try to focus on how we should be. Then again, it's not even as good as Star Trek V. At least there they had a serious problem with the assassination of the president of Starfleet. Was the ship looming oh so precariously around Earth? It wasn't even suspenseful.
I give this movie two "ships crashing so loud my ears and eyes bleed"s out of five. This thing was so un-Trek, they might have well called it Attack of the Clones and saved me the trouble.
For all you Star Trek geeks, this movie has to start out as a disappointment. This is the end of the Star Trek string of movies, at least starring the TNG cast. Apparently when the main actor, one Patrick Stewart, demands a huge salary and his own production company, it hits the studio pretty hard. I saw Stewart complaining that the dune buggy he got to ride around in wasn't given to him at the end of the movie. Hey Pat, you can afford a friggin' fleet of them now. They're toting Brent Spiner around in that thing now thanks to you.
So the crew are busy celebrating the wedding of Deanna Troi and Will Riker. Picard describes Will as "his right arm" and Deanna as "his conscience." You'll find Picard musing on people this way because he essentially sees everyone around him as extensions of himself. No friendships for the captain. Oh no! Then Data stands up and starts singing. It's a nightmare you don't want to relive.
They pick up a positronic pattern in the Kolaran system. Picard wanted to test out Starfleet's latest creation--a dune buggy. No kidding. They find all the components of the robot, and it turns out to be a Data-like robot. No, it isn't Lore. I had that in mind for a while, but it's some dork named "Before." An alien race chases after them in their own dune buggies, but the three escape. The whole scene was filmed in this grainy manner that made it look like Traffic.
There is a plot, meanwhile, within the Romulan Empire to overthrow the old government and place Shinzon in. Where the hell did this guy come from? Why would the Romulans put someone in who's not only human, but was raised on the slave world of Remus? It would be like us electing a chimpanzee president. Oh ha ha smartass, it has not happened already. The Remans are these vampiry-looking freaks who are allergic to light. This is so you can't see how bad the make-up application is on these actors.
Shinzon has been experimenting with a new radiation that's supposed to kill people with great ease. His whole ship is just a big furnace for the stuff, and he plans to knock out the Federation with it. His ship can also fire when cloaked, has a ton of weapons on it, and has a spoiler the size of the Gateway Arch. Before is a spy for Shinzon, and accesses the locations of Starfleet's ships, all set to wipe them out. This is an ingenious plot to make sure the Borg comes in and conquers the galaxy.
By the way, remember Janeway? They made her an admiral. The bitch got lost on her first mission nearly across the galaxy, and they promote her over Picard. You can't help but feel a bit stupid.
Shinzon turns out to be a clone of Picard, created by the Romulans to try to infiltrate Starfleet by pretending he's Picard. Um, ever hear of several strategic strikes? I thought that was the point of the cloaking device! Eventually Shinzon and Picard are sent head to head, and Picard rams the Enterprise into Shinzon's ship. This is the damed ballsiest thing I've ever seen Picard do, but sadly the crew survives. He only prepares to blow up the ship after Shinzon pulls away to a safe distance. Then we find the auto-destruct is inoperable. Wow, great ship there, bro.
Shinzon is about to send his radiation at the Enterprise, but Picard manages to transport over to kill a bunch of Remans and Shinzon. Data can't transport over to help, but blows himself into space, get to Shinzon's ship, transport Picard back, and blow up Shinzon's ship, sacrificing himself in the process. Fortunately for Picard, he can start over with Before. Nice going. We haven't learned much about disposable people in the future.
This movie makes us question our own identities. Given a different set of circumstances in our lives, can we be raised to want to try to kill all life on Earth rather than be the captain of the fleet's flag ship? It also makes us wonder if our greatest struggles exist within ourselves to try to see beyond what we are and try to focus on how we should be. Then again, it's not even as good as Star Trek V. At least there they had a serious problem with the assassination of the president of Starfleet. Was the ship looming oh so precariously around Earth? It wasn't even suspenseful.
I give this movie two "ships crashing so loud my ears and eyes bleed"s out of five. This thing was so un-Trek, they might have well called it Attack of the Clones and saved me the trouble.