Lotus666
06-08-09, 09:46 PM
From the pen of the Rockjock, back in 2005...
The scroll screams...WAR! This is what happens when the nice men in the labcoats let George Lucas off his "Skywalker Ranch" and start writing again. Is he even in charge of directing anything? If a film is 90% CG, aren't the real directors the animators?
This might have been the real underlying theme to the consolidation of power in the Trade Federation, which is showing its final cracks as Senator Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) continues his grip on extended power as head of the Galactic Senate. I have to remind you of this because the movie operates in the same vein. Everyone going to this meeting or that is talking to people as if to remind them of what was happening. "He cut your arm off, remember??" (That kind of thing is hard to forget, even for a hyperspaced tard like Anakin.) They didn't have to do this in the first three movies. No one scratched their heads going, "Why is Han Solo in that chunk of red stuff?" Isn't it your job to make events that people will be able to remember easily if you did a good job of filmmaking?
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewen MacGregor) and Anakin (Hayden Christensen) pursue Count Dooku (Christopher Lee), who if you remember has kidnapped the Senator. Since the count was working for the Sith the whole time, there's no danger to Palpatine or to Anakin. They then get in the situation where they have to crash-land a ship that was almost incinerated in a planet's atmosphere. Travelling at breakneck velocity, they totally crash onto a runway, and what hapens? *tink* It was like they got rear-ended by a Focus. At least we finally get to see R2-D2 kick some ass. That little robot can throw down one or two times.
And can you imagine the pandemonium that broke out when Padme (Natalie Portman) announced: "Ani, I'm pregnant!" Star Wars nerds were collapsing in the aisles, swooning over the prospects of one of their own engaging in sex! With a girl! (One guy saw the look on Ani's face and yelled, "OWNED!!1!" Yes, he said the number one by mistake.) Is it just me, or is Portman looking like one of these stereotype Long Island Jews you always see in crappy New York movies? I seriously thought she would suggest they move their new family to Westbury to live in a split-level.
Meanwhile, Palpatine wants his puppet Anakin on the Jedi Council. They agree to let him on, but not as a Master. This instantly whips up Christensen into the William Hurt School of Underacting ("This..is...an outrage.") He goes off crying yet again to his security blanket "Pad-a-me" (and he seems to be the only one who does know his own wife's name). Padme just wants things back to the way they were. "No politics," she moans.
Oh, join the club, sister. Hammering us over the head with how republics turn to empires with but a simple scheme isn't really making us appreaciate the point. The movie was somewhat demurring to this point, not really drawing parallels between the Star Wars story and any current or former governments, although Anakin had one memorable line that was a turn of phrase something similar to something uttered a few years ago. Never mind who said it or why. This is a thread about a movie, which should have been about laser swords and rescuing damsels and so forth.
Lucas does take a bold step here and makes the Jedi into what might be considered an armed vigilante group. Instead of balancing out the force, they seem more interested in vanquishing their enemies. After Palpatine kills several Jedis, Mac Windu changes his mind about arresting the senator and wants to kill him right there. Obi-Wan was also implicit in this as he launches an attack on the leader of the droid rebellion. Remember that the droids were merely trying to separate from the Federation. Also, Obi-Wan states that "only a Sith deals in absolutes." Really? I remember Palpatine stating that "good is a point of view" and that they are merely seeking the same power the Jedis now have. Sounds like he's broadening his horizons a bit to me. Even referring to "the dark side" of the Force might be categorizing it as the unseen, the unknown potential. It also makes the Jedis look as if they can't rationally explain why they combat the Sith other than to explain that they're stupids from the Stupitron system. The whole Jedi/Sith war ends up becoming no more dignified than every political grudge match we could fathom.
Now, given that the actors in this film must have spent several months training for swordfighting and stunts, why did no one corner Mr. Christensen and give him five minutes of acting lessons? Why is George Lucas so committed to this boy? This has all the symptoms of an abusive relationship, where Christensen makes a complete fool of himself and Lucas, but Lucas cannot stop loving him in spite of what he is. Get some counselling, George! And learn how to write! Anakin actually screams, "I HATE YOU!" at Obi-Wan after he gets a serious ass-whooping from him. Not even a "Mark my words..." or ANYTHING better than that?? Holy Wookiie wontons, you have to be joking. Putting Christensen and Portman together and allowing them to perform their craft is like nitro meets glycerine. It was aluminum foil-chewing painful to see. For all the hot romance these two were supposed to be generating, these two resembled nothing more than co-workers going through the motions.
One vast improvement over the previous films is the ships have better texture. None of this ultra-sleek look like the Naboo Starfighter. The ships have semi-logical lighting everywhere and rough edges and they look like ships. It wasn't too much to ask, and two movies later they get it right. Also watch for Yoda's far more exciting battle near the end. A culmination of several years of anticipation, and it's a bit disheartening to see Lucas do such a belly-flop.
Three "hey, remember this guy"s out of five. Hey---C3PO! Get away from that sign! Oh, protocol 'droid indeed.
The scroll screams...WAR! This is what happens when the nice men in the labcoats let George Lucas off his "Skywalker Ranch" and start writing again. Is he even in charge of directing anything? If a film is 90% CG, aren't the real directors the animators?
This might have been the real underlying theme to the consolidation of power in the Trade Federation, which is showing its final cracks as Senator Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) continues his grip on extended power as head of the Galactic Senate. I have to remind you of this because the movie operates in the same vein. Everyone going to this meeting or that is talking to people as if to remind them of what was happening. "He cut your arm off, remember??" (That kind of thing is hard to forget, even for a hyperspaced tard like Anakin.) They didn't have to do this in the first three movies. No one scratched their heads going, "Why is Han Solo in that chunk of red stuff?" Isn't it your job to make events that people will be able to remember easily if you did a good job of filmmaking?
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewen MacGregor) and Anakin (Hayden Christensen) pursue Count Dooku (Christopher Lee), who if you remember has kidnapped the Senator. Since the count was working for the Sith the whole time, there's no danger to Palpatine or to Anakin. They then get in the situation where they have to crash-land a ship that was almost incinerated in a planet's atmosphere. Travelling at breakneck velocity, they totally crash onto a runway, and what hapens? *tink* It was like they got rear-ended by a Focus. At least we finally get to see R2-D2 kick some ass. That little robot can throw down one or two times.
And can you imagine the pandemonium that broke out when Padme (Natalie Portman) announced: "Ani, I'm pregnant!" Star Wars nerds were collapsing in the aisles, swooning over the prospects of one of their own engaging in sex! With a girl! (One guy saw the look on Ani's face and yelled, "OWNED!!1!" Yes, he said the number one by mistake.) Is it just me, or is Portman looking like one of these stereotype Long Island Jews you always see in crappy New York movies? I seriously thought she would suggest they move their new family to Westbury to live in a split-level.
Meanwhile, Palpatine wants his puppet Anakin on the Jedi Council. They agree to let him on, but not as a Master. This instantly whips up Christensen into the William Hurt School of Underacting ("This..is...an outrage.") He goes off crying yet again to his security blanket "Pad-a-me" (and he seems to be the only one who does know his own wife's name). Padme just wants things back to the way they were. "No politics," she moans.
Oh, join the club, sister. Hammering us over the head with how republics turn to empires with but a simple scheme isn't really making us appreaciate the point. The movie was somewhat demurring to this point, not really drawing parallels between the Star Wars story and any current or former governments, although Anakin had one memorable line that was a turn of phrase something similar to something uttered a few years ago. Never mind who said it or why. This is a thread about a movie, which should have been about laser swords and rescuing damsels and so forth.
Lucas does take a bold step here and makes the Jedi into what might be considered an armed vigilante group. Instead of balancing out the force, they seem more interested in vanquishing their enemies. After Palpatine kills several Jedis, Mac Windu changes his mind about arresting the senator and wants to kill him right there. Obi-Wan was also implicit in this as he launches an attack on the leader of the droid rebellion. Remember that the droids were merely trying to separate from the Federation. Also, Obi-Wan states that "only a Sith deals in absolutes." Really? I remember Palpatine stating that "good is a point of view" and that they are merely seeking the same power the Jedis now have. Sounds like he's broadening his horizons a bit to me. Even referring to "the dark side" of the Force might be categorizing it as the unseen, the unknown potential. It also makes the Jedis look as if they can't rationally explain why they combat the Sith other than to explain that they're stupids from the Stupitron system. The whole Jedi/Sith war ends up becoming no more dignified than every political grudge match we could fathom.
Now, given that the actors in this film must have spent several months training for swordfighting and stunts, why did no one corner Mr. Christensen and give him five minutes of acting lessons? Why is George Lucas so committed to this boy? This has all the symptoms of an abusive relationship, where Christensen makes a complete fool of himself and Lucas, but Lucas cannot stop loving him in spite of what he is. Get some counselling, George! And learn how to write! Anakin actually screams, "I HATE YOU!" at Obi-Wan after he gets a serious ass-whooping from him. Not even a "Mark my words..." or ANYTHING better than that?? Holy Wookiie wontons, you have to be joking. Putting Christensen and Portman together and allowing them to perform their craft is like nitro meets glycerine. It was aluminum foil-chewing painful to see. For all the hot romance these two were supposed to be generating, these two resembled nothing more than co-workers going through the motions.
One vast improvement over the previous films is the ships have better texture. None of this ultra-sleek look like the Naboo Starfighter. The ships have semi-logical lighting everywhere and rough edges and they look like ships. It wasn't too much to ask, and two movies later they get it right. Also watch for Yoda's far more exciting battle near the end. A culmination of several years of anticipation, and it's a bit disheartening to see Lucas do such a belly-flop.
Three "hey, remember this guy"s out of five. Hey---C3PO! Get away from that sign! Oh, protocol 'droid indeed.