Lotus666
06-08-09, 09:43 PM
Way back from 2002, by Rockjock, this contribution...
I felt like a cartoon, but I did not feel like a tool. I was promising to see the highly stupid Eight Crazy Nights, but I realized (a) Hanukkah isn't such an important Jewish holiday anyway, (b) 71 minutes is an unacceptable length to pay nine dollars to see, even if it is bad, and (c) this "adult" film wouldn't be in the same class as its predecessors such as Fritz the Cat or Heavy Metal. These are films so bad that they're good, but Adam Sandler looks as if he can rewrite the meaning of kitsch like he does with that same Hanukkah song every year.
So I went to Treasure Planet because it looked like it had some imagination. This is a stretch, considering it's a big rewrite of Stevenson to start with. They only thought to add enough rad to the max sailboarding and GooGoo Dolls in it to make it seem new.
We follow James Hawkins (voice of Joseph Gordon-Levitt) as he grows up reading stories of a treasure planet. Jim gets in trouble with the law, too. I knew this was coming, because Jim has an earring, a sure sign of rebellion. I mean, what guy has an earring? Like, nobody!
Jim discovers a crashed ship by his mother's inn, where a dying pirate gives Jim a sphere not unlike a Rubik's cube. Well, except it's a sphere. Pirates come looking for the sphere and blow up Jim's mother's inn. Jim manages to pull his mom out as well as Dr. Delbert Doppler (voice by David Hyde Pierce). Back at Doppler's place, we find the sphere is actually a map to Flint's Trove, a planet on the outskirts of the galaxy and where the pirate Flint likely hid his loot.
Now the way these ships get around is reminiscent of many anime lore I have observed. The ships are...ships! Sails, masts, barrels everywhere. Apparently space travel is no place to be getting pragmatic. Hey, why stop there? Why not have everyone ****in' row like a trireme?
James and Doppler hire a shady crew, led by Captain Amelia (Emma Thompson). She's a real ball-buster, but she's English, so all she has to do is act sanctimonious and she looks smarter than everyone else. Works for Emma Thompson. The cook (Brian Murray) is named Silver. Lonmg John was omitted because Disney has insulted enough people with that Fantasia 2000 bull.
Silver is leading the crew to plan a mutiny, but he takes a shine to Jim. Scenes like this usually lead to some NC-17 viewing, but it's okay, Jim does not have his poopdeck swabbed. After the first mate is accidentally dropped from the ship into a black hole, the captain doubts Jim's competency. Jim feels guilty, but finds out later that the spider dude on-board killed the first mate. None of these pirates look anywhere human, but Jim does. Come to think of it, the captain is a cat and Doppler is a dog, so pick on the non-freak, right?
The crew declares mutiny as soon as they get in sight of the treasure planet, and Jim escapes with the captain and Doppler. They crash on the planet, and manage to leave the map on the ship thanks to that pink fart cloud Morph, who likes to assume forms. Morph belongs to Silver, so you'd assume they'd take a wet-dry vac and suck up the little double spy. Yeah, they've been ****ing up left and right, and you don't think poofy there had a hand in that?
Jim meets B.E.N. on the planet, an annoying navigation robot (Martin Short). B.E.N. molests Jim more than any of those pirates. They hide in B.E.N.'s house while they try to figure out how to get back on their ship and get the map. Silver shows up, wanting to split the treasure with Jim. Jim is all paranoid, because no matter how much you love a pirate, sometimes they don't change.
Eventually Jim gets the map, but Silver holds the captain and Doppler captive. They work out a truce, since Jim is the only one able to work the map. They're led to a portal, where Flint was able to shove off into any sector in the galaxy. I would have visited the Planet of the Insatiable Sluts first, last, and a couple of times in between for good measure. I love the culture. Yes, that's it.
Turns out Flint had the last laugh. While there's a ton of gold and gems inside the planet, it's also set to blow up if anyone enters who shouldn't be there. I guess writing a will was impractical. Doesn't matter, the galactic government would take half anyway. Earth is known as a "protectorate" of this particular government. Taxation without representation, I tells ya!
Jim gets the crew to fly the ship into the portal, and just in time escape back to Montresser (yes, it was an alien homeworld the whole time). Silver convinces Jim to let him go so he doesn't have to go to jail, but gives Jim enough gold to rebuild his mom's inn. So you see, Jim abetted the escape of a felon! The real villain of this film, you can be sure.
Well, retelling stories is what Disney does best. They retold Hamlet in The Lion King, biblical Jonah in Pinocchio, and Beauty and the Beast is that same song and dance where women are convinced their love can change men into little sweethearts.
Given that it was only slightly bearable, and that it may encourage a kid to read Treasure Island (instead of that wallet-fellating Harry Potter, where he does it backwards)...
I give this trip a hearty four out of five "I lost this eye on a stripper's implant"s. Oh, and keep an eye out for the remake of Herman Melville's classic, Moby Awesome Dude.
I felt like a cartoon, but I did not feel like a tool. I was promising to see the highly stupid Eight Crazy Nights, but I realized (a) Hanukkah isn't such an important Jewish holiday anyway, (b) 71 minutes is an unacceptable length to pay nine dollars to see, even if it is bad, and (c) this "adult" film wouldn't be in the same class as its predecessors such as Fritz the Cat or Heavy Metal. These are films so bad that they're good, but Adam Sandler looks as if he can rewrite the meaning of kitsch like he does with that same Hanukkah song every year.
So I went to Treasure Planet because it looked like it had some imagination. This is a stretch, considering it's a big rewrite of Stevenson to start with. They only thought to add enough rad to the max sailboarding and GooGoo Dolls in it to make it seem new.
We follow James Hawkins (voice of Joseph Gordon-Levitt) as he grows up reading stories of a treasure planet. Jim gets in trouble with the law, too. I knew this was coming, because Jim has an earring, a sure sign of rebellion. I mean, what guy has an earring? Like, nobody!
Jim discovers a crashed ship by his mother's inn, where a dying pirate gives Jim a sphere not unlike a Rubik's cube. Well, except it's a sphere. Pirates come looking for the sphere and blow up Jim's mother's inn. Jim manages to pull his mom out as well as Dr. Delbert Doppler (voice by David Hyde Pierce). Back at Doppler's place, we find the sphere is actually a map to Flint's Trove, a planet on the outskirts of the galaxy and where the pirate Flint likely hid his loot.
Now the way these ships get around is reminiscent of many anime lore I have observed. The ships are...ships! Sails, masts, barrels everywhere. Apparently space travel is no place to be getting pragmatic. Hey, why stop there? Why not have everyone ****in' row like a trireme?
James and Doppler hire a shady crew, led by Captain Amelia (Emma Thompson). She's a real ball-buster, but she's English, so all she has to do is act sanctimonious and she looks smarter than everyone else. Works for Emma Thompson. The cook (Brian Murray) is named Silver. Lonmg John was omitted because Disney has insulted enough people with that Fantasia 2000 bull.
Silver is leading the crew to plan a mutiny, but he takes a shine to Jim. Scenes like this usually lead to some NC-17 viewing, but it's okay, Jim does not have his poopdeck swabbed. After the first mate is accidentally dropped from the ship into a black hole, the captain doubts Jim's competency. Jim feels guilty, but finds out later that the spider dude on-board killed the first mate. None of these pirates look anywhere human, but Jim does. Come to think of it, the captain is a cat and Doppler is a dog, so pick on the non-freak, right?
The crew declares mutiny as soon as they get in sight of the treasure planet, and Jim escapes with the captain and Doppler. They crash on the planet, and manage to leave the map on the ship thanks to that pink fart cloud Morph, who likes to assume forms. Morph belongs to Silver, so you'd assume they'd take a wet-dry vac and suck up the little double spy. Yeah, they've been ****ing up left and right, and you don't think poofy there had a hand in that?
Jim meets B.E.N. on the planet, an annoying navigation robot (Martin Short). B.E.N. molests Jim more than any of those pirates. They hide in B.E.N.'s house while they try to figure out how to get back on their ship and get the map. Silver shows up, wanting to split the treasure with Jim. Jim is all paranoid, because no matter how much you love a pirate, sometimes they don't change.
Eventually Jim gets the map, but Silver holds the captain and Doppler captive. They work out a truce, since Jim is the only one able to work the map. They're led to a portal, where Flint was able to shove off into any sector in the galaxy. I would have visited the Planet of the Insatiable Sluts first, last, and a couple of times in between for good measure. I love the culture. Yes, that's it.
Turns out Flint had the last laugh. While there's a ton of gold and gems inside the planet, it's also set to blow up if anyone enters who shouldn't be there. I guess writing a will was impractical. Doesn't matter, the galactic government would take half anyway. Earth is known as a "protectorate" of this particular government. Taxation without representation, I tells ya!
Jim gets the crew to fly the ship into the portal, and just in time escape back to Montresser (yes, it was an alien homeworld the whole time). Silver convinces Jim to let him go so he doesn't have to go to jail, but gives Jim enough gold to rebuild his mom's inn. So you see, Jim abetted the escape of a felon! The real villain of this film, you can be sure.
Well, retelling stories is what Disney does best. They retold Hamlet in The Lion King, biblical Jonah in Pinocchio, and Beauty and the Beast is that same song and dance where women are convinced their love can change men into little sweethearts.
Given that it was only slightly bearable, and that it may encourage a kid to read Treasure Island (instead of that wallet-fellating Harry Potter, where he does it backwards)...
I give this trip a hearty four out of five "I lost this eye on a stripper's implant"s. Oh, and keep an eye out for the remake of Herman Melville's classic, Moby Awesome Dude.