Never ending Joke thread!

[Nixxi]

Here's the place to post all clean jokes.. the more racy ones will do into Babel once that is back up and running.

[Nixxi]

How do me a gracious biatch

Amanda's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could damper her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed Mother-of-the-Bride.

A week later, Amanda was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Amanda asked her father's new wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutley not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it", she replied.

Amanda told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart, I'll get another dress. After all, its your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Amanda asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!

[Nixxi]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave
the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter..

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but
they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me
back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady,
you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and
he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Sears repair since. Happened in Ottawa .

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING
sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out
here! I don't think this is a
good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Collingwood , Ontario .
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Winnipeg , Manitoba .

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Toronto , Ontario .

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in Montreal , P.Q.
IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that
it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Guelph , Ontario .

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...

[Nixxi]

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEYlifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

[Lotus666]

:lol: Well, you've started off in fine form - this thread will be repopulated with jokes in no time. :D

[Nixxi]

I just got those today too. I told Pro the lifesaver one and he just busted a gut :laugh:

[whisptech]

Why don't chickens wear underwear?



































Because there pecker is on their face.

[Lotus666]

:laugh: :D Good one!

[Lord Destroyer]

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

[Lotus666]

The next few jokes are silly names... :crazy:

What do you call a man who forgets to put his underpants on ?
Nicholas !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a man with a tree growing out of his head ?
Ed-Wood !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a man who wears tissue paper trousers ?
Russell !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a man made from toilet paper ?
Louie !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a very tidy woman ?
Anita House !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a man with a pile of soil on his head ?
Doug !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a woman with sandpaper on her head ?
Sandie !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a man with a kilt over his head ?
Scott !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a girl with a supermarket checkout on her head ?
Tilly !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a woman with a beach on her head ?
Shelly !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a man with a load of sports equipment on his head ?
Jim !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a man with seagulls on his head ?
Cliff !

[Lotus666]

What do you call a woman who throws her bills on the fire ?
Bernadette !

[Lotus666]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm old of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

:laugh:

[Lord Destroyer]

Here's a good one...

[Nixxi]

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio

[Nixxi]

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

[Nixxi]

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

[Nixxi]

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard"

[Nixxi]

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

[Nixxi]

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me"

"Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"

[Nixxi]

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.


Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Merlot!!!

[Lotus666]

Couldn't resist posting the following seeing as it now applies... :laugh: I LOL'ed...

Helpful Tips for the over 50s...

Never attempt bending down, except under strict medical supervision.

Develop the power of a photographic memory – take photographs of everyone you need to remember.

Use your ailing health to blackmail your children into doing all your gardening and housework.

Avoid the company of young people they are a sad reminder of your long lost youth.

Keep a diary – it will be a great source of comfort and a handy reminder of what you did yesterday.

Cultivate friendships with people much older than yourself. This will make you feel so much younger.

Finding your false teeth can be difficult when you mislay your spectacles. Always keep these vital items attached to you by pieces of string.

No one will ever notice your frightful wrinkles if you only go out when it’s dark.

Modern science enables even fifty year olds to have the youthful looks of a teenager – a simple head transplant is all it takes.

Should you ever get the urge to go ‘all night clubing’ apply the simple rule – forget it!!

Buy a computer, digital camera and a MP3 player. Although you’re incapable of understanding how to use them at least you’ll appear trendy.

Take the strain off your tired out memory by labelling all household objects – bed, fridge, television etc.

Look twenty years younger in an instant – borrow a baby and train it to call you ‘mummy’.

Save all hairs that come loose when you brush your hair – one day medical science may develop a means of replanting them.

Borrow a pram – pushing it around looks better than clutching a zimmer.

Try to enjoy your fifties as much as is possible – after all the horrendous sixties are looming.

Remember – Don’t Drink and Zimmer!

[Nixxi]

:lol: Good ones

[Lotus666]

:laugh: Nice tickers, Nixxi!

[Lotus666]

1 Pass My Shotgun

2 Psychotic Mood Shift

3 Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid-Section

5 People Make me Sick

6 Provide Me with Sweets

7 Pardon My Sobbing

8 Pimples May Surface

9 Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissed off Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Guys, if you hear your girl say she's got PMS - be WELL warned... :wicked: :laugh:

[Lord Destroyer]

Q: Did you hear the one about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder?

A: He got a little behind in his work.

[Lord Destroyer]

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

[Lord Destroyer]

Q: How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?

A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

[Lord Destroyer]

Q: You know why Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage?

A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married. She didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

[Lotus666]

:laugh: :D

[Lord Destroyer]

I thought so!

http://www.dribbleglass.com/images/billboards/spam.jpg

[Lord Destroyer]

I thought armadillos were nature's speed bumps...

http://www.dribbleglass.com/images/billboards/squirrel.jpg

[Lord Destroyer]

http://www.dribbleglass.com/images/billboard-1.jpg

[Lord Destroyer]

Tombstone FAIL...

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2009/10/30/129013851455005484.jpg

[Lotus666]

:laugh: That's really spelling it out! :wicked:

[Lotus666]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn!

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punchline does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again".

Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked".

Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed......... I'm a prawn again Christian...!!!"

:wicked: :laugh: :crazy:

[Lotus666]

Snow Route.


One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Colorado were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out...

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Lotus666]

David Beckham is sitting at home with his feet up feeling very fed up 'cos he can't play in the World Cup when the postman delivers a parcel. Attached to it is a note which reads "This may help you. Yours, a fan." He opens it up to find a dirty old brass lamp inside.

Well, 'Aladdin' is one of his favourite films, so he gives the lamp a rub and a genie pops out, saying "I am the genie of the lamp. What are your wishes, O Master?"

"Well", he says. "I'd really like to play in the World Cup this year, so could you heal my foot?"

"Sorry, no can do," replies the genie. "We don't heal. There are three things genies can't do: kill people, make people fall in love and heal. Even the great High King Of All The Genies couldn't heal you. We just don't do it. Is there anything else you'd like?"

"I'm not sure," Beckham replies. "I'm rich, famous all over the world, I have a lovely house and cars ..... I know! Could you fix it so my wife has a music career again?"

And the genie replies .....

"Let's have a look at that foot."

:laugh:

[Draufnir]

Q. What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A. rabbit fart...


:(

[Lotus666]

hehehe...timely (just) Easter joke there, mate...cheers! :cool:

[Lord Destroyer]

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/4/21/129163337182595100.jpg

[Lord Destroyer]

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/5/25/129192979308900165.jpg

[Lord Destroyer]

A heart surgeon dies and is given an elaborate funeral.

An enormous heart covered in flowers stands behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opens and the casket rolls inside.

The heart then closes, sealing the surgeon inside the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

Everyone stares at him.

He says, "I'm sorry; I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the rectal surgeon fainted.

[Lord Destroyer]

:laugh: :laugh:

[Lord Destroyer]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas, leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance...never really wanted to..."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10-gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's butt?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...but...I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Chosenfrozen]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
the way we are, moving steadily towards mean, where are we going? Are
we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are
we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime
together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even
know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -
even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I
bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his
own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting
right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is
shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't
help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person
I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty!

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I
feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply
into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might
say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to
his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately
becomes deeply involved in a cheesy chinese made martial arts flick that he's never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something
major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there
is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better
if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this
subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and
say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women

[Lotus666]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk ..

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

V
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...but I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!

DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!


(PS...Nixxi sent this to me via email, which I've only now just caught up with...so you can blame HER! :pom: :nixxi: :pom: )

[Chosenfrozen]

I lost the trivia contest at the PTA carnival last night by one point. Not only that, but after answering the last question I was immedietly asked to leave.

Q: Where is women`s hair the culiest?















A: Apparently the "correct" answer is Fiji.

[Lotus666]

:laugh: :D :laugh:

[Chosenfrozen]

Q: Why is beer better than a woman?




A: Beer never changes it`s mind once get it`s top off.

[Lotus666]

:rolleyes: :smack: ( :laugh: )

[Lord Destroyer]

A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota, wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. "Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, "HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!"

"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!"

[Lord Destroyer]

http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2011/8/30/8235777a-3d4d-4cad-b673-c52250fa5a53.jpg